The last two weeks have been incredibly busy for me with an off off Broadway show, a short film shoot, and three auditions. As I gear up to get my monologues in order for an audition Tuesday, I'm finding myself in a reflective sort of mood. Getting hit by a taxi the other night is probably contributing to this situation as well (I'm fine, fine, fine and lucky, lucky, lucky) as well as ye olde impending birthday...
My fear of acting was always really a fear to be my most authentic self. On the surface, this is counter-intuitive, because the initial perception of acting is that I am playing a character, putting on a mask or facade to become someone else. But that's not what acting--good acting--is about. To really act, you have to go deeper than the monologue or scene to truly connect emotionally to what is happening within it. You have to be even more yourself than usual. And for this connection to occur, MY emotions have to be MINE, not the the character's, not an approximation, but MY actual emotions and feelings, bits and pieces of myself. I have to let down my guard, those thick fortress walls I've constructed between myself and others.
For someone like me, this is a deeply frightening prospect. I have spent so much of my life being defensive to keep other people OUT, hiding myself from others and from myself. But heading down this path of finding out that acting is what I'm COMPELLED to do with my life, I'm realizing I have to let go of this old pattern. To be not just a good actor, but a great one, I have to connect emotionally and do this work.
Because of the environment I grew up in, I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings and emotions. It has taken me literally years to develop an awareness of the following:
A) WHEN I'm experiencing a feeling or emotion
B) WHAT that feeling or emotion is
C) HOW or IF the feeling/emotion connects to an event in my current life
Sometimes I've only got A or B down, on a bad day, none at all. I'm human, I'm not perfect, I do the best I can in each moment. For me to be a great actor, however, I need to practice this more and more. It's a process, I've got the whole rest of my life to get it. Sign me up, I'm ready to be fully present and find the truth within myself to channel into each role, part, and scene.
What got me on this path initially was taking Jagger Kaye's Advanced Acting Technique class back in January. I honestly recommend it to anyone who wants to go deeper in their acting:
http://jaggerkaye.homestead.com/AAC-Technique.html
Often while at rehearsal, an audition, or film shoot I remember something Jagger said to me, "But Rachel, being an exhibitionist isn't the same thing as having confidence!!" This reminds me to stay away from my defensive place and to go to the root of my feelings, to make emotionally authentic decisions.
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